*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
The eclipse was like April fools for birds