WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
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A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?