SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
No way!
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.