my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
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my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
White Castle for the Win
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together