You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
You Might Also Like
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk