If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
You Might Also Like
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]