100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
You Might Also Like
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Just say no
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god