If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
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Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.