If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
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*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
If I ignore life will it go away?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.