Crying is a sign of leakness.
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Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died