Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?