Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.