[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
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If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*