[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
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CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you