Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
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waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
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Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Follow me for more fitness tips.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby