I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.