Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
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Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.