I saw this ending much differently.
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they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
i did the math