Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
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this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go