” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
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I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.