[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
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My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Brilliant!
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.