I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
You Might Also Like
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.