“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
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Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.