if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
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When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?