Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
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Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”