I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
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18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.