Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
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The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong