I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
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“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.