My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
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What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.