me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
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I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Warm pools make me nervous.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.