” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
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The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT