Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
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[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’