Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
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The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Hard not to take this personally
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Welcome to the stomach
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.