I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
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*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.