Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
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After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me when someone tries to get to know me
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
felt that
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
LA today:
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
are they though??
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now