Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
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when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
✌🏽
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?