Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
You Might Also Like
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.