Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
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I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.