🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
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My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.