If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
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The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
when someone rings the doorbell
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that