[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
You Might Also Like
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you