You Might Also Like
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.