Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
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CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job