You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
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Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Husband of the year 😂
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.