Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
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They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.