This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
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A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.