I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
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For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.