My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
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Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”