Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
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10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.