My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
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I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
as is their right
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I’d … I’d rather not.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.